Wiley: Like just give it to me straight, Jay, what the fuck happened why did you just break up with me out of nowhere?!
He’s gonna know I’m lying with anything I say from here on out
..whatever you do Jay do NOT tell him that it was because of his crooked little penis and that his new nickname with all my friends is CLP!! TELL HIM SOMETHING ELSE DAMMIT!) Ok…FIRST OF ALL WILEY…the reason you have no fucking clue what’s going on with me is because you spend SO MUCH FUCKING TIME TALKING THAT YOU NEVER LET ME GET A WORD IN! You really wanna know why we were over?!
Me: *clearing throat* Well……ya see…it wasn’t you, it was me (FUCK! ..) I was just in no place to be in a relationship
Wiley: *abruptly cutting me off as usual* OH BULLSHIT! Oh my God I can’t take this I need to leave
Me: Chill the fuck out man Jesus Christ! Fucking cuttin me off again and then you wonder why the fuck you don’t get me or understand me get over yourself. Ugh and ya know, it’s not like I’m fucking my neighbor right now, I just happened to have fucked my neighbor before, or I was fucking my neighbor…and not even for that long we only fucked a couple times *as Wiley frantically throws his hands in the air and begins darting his eyes back and forth all over the place and slams his fists on the table* Oh fuck…I should probably just stop talking about me fucking my neighbor shouldn’t I….
Wiley: *as he shoots up out of his seat* OK fuck this I’m outa here man I can’t take this shit *throwing a $20 on the table and running out of the restaurant*
Big (Sex and The City reference you should all know), the one that got away, the reason I even HAD this fucking re-break up date to begin with, my favorite dickhead from Detroit, my Mystery Man
Finally, the waitress comes over hesitantly, and places Wiley’s two beers and my glass of wine down on the table as I half-explain to her and everybody else staring at me with half-hearted amusement mixed with pity that, no no no, I did not just get dumped, he was the one who got re–dumped. So, there I was, drunk and left alone with nothing but embarrassment, two beers, and a glass of white wine with none of my friends in LA willing to come meet me to help me finish all this alcohol. Fuck it, I wasn’t gonna waste that shit. In a matter of ten minutes, I downed the drinks I was left with and hurried out of there as fast as I could. On the walk home, I contemplated sending hate texts to Wiley, wondering if I should attempt to dirty talk as a means to further fuck with him and amuse myself…but I decided against it. By the time I got back to my place I was too hammered to even realize that I had been pressing the elevator button over and over again as the elevator door repeatedly opened and shut right in front of me. Ooopsies. So I got in upon realizing so. Once in the elevator, I repeatedly pushed 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4 (I live on the recon.com verwijderen 4th floor in case you have yet to deduce this fact). Ooops…I was doing it again. I then fell back against the wall of the elevator, realized there was someone else in it, and glanced to my right to get a look at this poor mother fucker who had to deal with my inebriated, nonsensical elevator antics. There he was, my Mr. …..my imfamous neighbor. There he was, staring at me with this gigantic “AHH HEY ITS ME AND I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME. ” grin on his face. It had been a month since I last saw and spoke to him about how I could no longer be strung around as his little ego boost, how I refused to be friends with him because I had strong feelings for him that would make it impossible to do so, and how I was deleting his number from my phone and him from my life as it was too difficult to bear otherwise. There he was…with me…in the elevator…after demanding to Wiley that, “I AM NOT FUCKING MY NEIGHBOR!” I stare back at him with disgust on my face and excitement in my heart as I finally break the silence with, “Ugh…I would run into you of all people after my night……”